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Jokes

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his   drink   next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.   “Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time.” says the truck driver. .”   “This is the worst day of my life.” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the   parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my   wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the neighbor. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage   to put an end to my life. And then you show up and drink the poison.”  
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A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the   benefits.   The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee’s pay.   She said, “My last employer had full health and a month’s   sick leave AND they paid the full premiums.”  “I can’t help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits,” the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, “The company went bankrupt.”  
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Once upon   a time a young lad was born without a belly button.In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his  not he was stuck with it.All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus never made any friends. One day a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window bearing in it’s mist a golden rewdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared  out of the window. The next morning when he woke, he saw the golden screw laying  on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!   Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off. 
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A lawyer was getting fitted for a suit at his tailor’s   office. As he was standing there, he decided to have some   fun with the man. “I guess our jobs are pretty similar,”   said the lawyer.   The tailor remained silent, so the lawyer continued, “What   I mean is that we’re both in the same business – making   suits.And both of our suits end up in a court of law.”   The tailor said nothing, but continued measuring, so the   lawyer added, “Of course, I went to college and then law   school for seven years to learn how to make my suits.”   “Yes,” said the tailor, “but when I make a suit, it only   costs you a hundred dollars.”
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Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.   However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they   get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother   and get some advice on what to do.The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and   snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from   there.The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls   his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should   take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature   should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother’s   advice but still nothing.   He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the   situation she says, “Listen, just take the biggest thing you have   and stick it in her hairiest, smelliest thing!” and hangs up on   him.   A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, “Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?”  
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A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. “Do you   mind if I ask you a personal question?” he said to her.   “I don’t know,” replied the beautiful young woman. “It depends on how personal it is.”   “OK,” the guy said. “How many men have you slept with?”   “I’m not going to tell you that!” the woman exclaimed. “That’s   my business!”   “Sorry,” said the guy, “I didn’t realize you made a living out of it.”   
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