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Funny Quotes

The following quotations were taken from resumes and cover letters from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it’s funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people.

Resumes:

"I am very detail-oreinted."

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"Special skills: Thyping."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

"I can play well with others."

"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

"Special skills: I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

"I eat computers for lunch."

"I have used lots of software appilcations."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job."

"Previous experience: Self-employed — a fiasco."

"I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

"I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"I love dancing and throwing parties."

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

"Special Skills: Speak English."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse."

"Education: College, August 1880 – May 1984."

"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

"ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY."

"AT ONE POINT IN TIME DURING [John Doe’s] 28 YEARS ON THIS PLANET, HE WAS IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT; WHICH PUT A FEW YEARS THERAPY, SOME ‘ROLLERCOASTER’ EMOTIONAL SOUL JOURNEYS, AND A WICKED JOB RESUME, WHICH MOST EMPLOYERS WOULD FROWN UPON, AROUND HIS PRESENT IDENTITY… TEN YEARS ‘IN THE RUNNING’. HOWEVER, GIVEN THE PRESENT CASH FLOW, VIA. THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT, CONSISTENCY, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, HAVE BEEN REALIZED AND TOUCHED UPON OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. ALL IN ALL, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS IS GROWING NEAR END IN RESPONSE TO MY ACCUMULATED WORK HISTORY. HENCE, I SEE URGENCY, CLOSURE, SOME FEAR, STRONG DESIRE, AND MATURITY ALL WOVEN INTO THIS EXPRESSION OF ME, THE EMPLOYEE TO YOU, THE EMPLOYER."

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

"Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

Cover Letters:

"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."

"I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."

"Please disregard the attached resume — it is terribly out of date."

"It’s best for employers that I not work with people."

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."

"If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."

"My fortune cookie said, ‘Your next interview will result in a job’ — and I like your company in particular."

"You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"

"I am sicking and entry-level position."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."

"I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."

"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."

"I don’t usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."

"I need just enough money to have pizza every night."

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

"I’m submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."

"My primary goal is to be recognized."

"Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."

"I’ll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."

"I am superior to anyone else you could hire."

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."

"Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However…"

"I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."

"I worked here full-time there."

"I’ll starve without a job but don’t feel you have to give me one."

"You are privileged to receive my resume."

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